i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The adults are the big ones right?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
