my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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