he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
