My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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