If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
this will be a night to untag.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
