Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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