Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
