I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
