i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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