Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
