Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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