My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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