I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
