she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The adults are the big ones right?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
