do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
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They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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