My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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