How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
