But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
