a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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