I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
