I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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