I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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