home. puking in laundry basket.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
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my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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