if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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