I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
