it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
