dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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