In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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