okay pat passed out under dana's car
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
