Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
