hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
