Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
