At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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