I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
