why didn't you poke me back
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
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I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.