Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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