im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
