I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
