theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
