I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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