I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
