My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize
