his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
