I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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