talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
