my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
