I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
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Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
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He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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