walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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