Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
