Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
