Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
