I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
