This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
