I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
