theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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