Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize