dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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