I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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