Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
